Last week I went to a Fred Pryor seminar called “Managing Emotions in Difficult Situations.” I expected a little bit of touchy-feely during the day, and that was there. There were also some interesting ideas.
First, they used an analogy of a rider/horse for cognitive thought/subconscious thought. The horse lives in your limbic brain. I’ve heard others call it your lizard brain. When you touch a hot stove, your hand pulls back immediately, before you have time to think, “HOT—better move my hand!” It’s also where the voice in your head lives. It’s actually housed in the back, lower part of your brain. Hello, horse. The horse is fully capable of living his life without you. He’s busy and it’s hard to get his attention. Mr. or Ms. Horse is full of information that you didn’t intend to store there. Lyrics to thousands of songs, the 2-all-beef-patties thing, multiplication tables, what babies smell like, things your parents told you (usually bad things) and other oft repeated or emotional things.
The rider is your conscious, deliberate thought. It involves effort and concentration to think this way. It’s problem-solving, rational, active thinking. This is pre-frontal cortex, behind your forehead. Action. Decisions.
Okay. So we learned that to control our emotions, which are activated by the horse, we need to get the rider engaged. What’s the rider trying to overcome? Inadvertent programming. Back to the parent thing. This was really interesting. There was a wide variety of people in the room. Gen Y, Gen X, Boomers. Engineers, accountants, maintenance workers. People in suits, heels, ties. Others in jeans and camouflage jackets. As we did some of the touchy feely to check in with what the horse/subconscious does with each of us, you wouldn’t believe the similarities. There were many reports of parents saying, “who do you think you are?”, “are you stupid?,” “sit down and shut up,” “who do you think you are?” Clearly we all must have the same parents!
So, what’s the message? First, a lot of our limitations come from that darn horse spouting back the same rhetoric. Not that we didn’t deserve the dressdown where we were kids. I’m sure we all pushed the boundaries of parents. But we didn’t need to keep the negative self-image. Often, when things are heated with someone, we’re reacting from that emotional/horse place instead of rationally, calmly considering what the other person is saying. Controlling emotions is all about telling your rider to take control. The rider can be overtaken by the horse if he/she isn’t actively trying to keep the reins.
If a deer runs out in front of your car, and your horse tells you to slam on the brakes in an instant, amen to that. But if your co-worker, spouse, checker at the grocery store says something that sounds like it could brew an intense, ugly situation, be sure your rider is in control. Comments like, “I want to be sure I know your intention. You’re telling me this because you’d like X or you think I’m being Y. Is that right?” Taking one step back and doing some analysis can save you from wanting to throttle some unsuspecting soul.